Your Partner Cannot Read Your Mind

More than at any point in its history, we demand a lot from the institution of marriage.  As psychotherapist Esther Perel has pointed out, we ask our partner to “give us what an entire village used to provide: belonging…identity…continuity…transcendence…mystery and awe all in one.”  With those demands, it’s a wonder that any marriage survives.

As if this were not enough, we also want our partners to have the gift of mind-reading.  We say to them ‘you should have known what I needed without me having to tell you.’  Or, ‘how could you not have known that would upset me?’ These statements can result in our partner staring at us dumb-founded while we battle our own feelings of hurt and irritation.

And although women are more often accused of expecting their partners to read their minds, in my practice I frequently see men make similar demands on their girlfriends or wives.  Further, the disappointment can be compounded, due to the cultural belief that women should be ‘feelings experts,’ and should intuit what their men need.

My simple solution to the mind reading problem is this: don’t expect your partner to know what you need without you having to tell them.  Just…don’t.  You will save yourself a great deal of heartache and disappointment and confused looks from your partner by communicating honestly. I know, however, that reality is a bit more complicated. So below I discuss four key guidelines to help address the problem of mind reading.